


Sing me the blues

by lilybluee



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, Past Child Abuse, changkyun and jooheon are extremely close friends, it's kind of upsetting tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 08:23:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15725613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilybluee/pseuds/lilybluee
Summary: changkyun falls in love. it doesn't go well.





	Sing me the blues

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from [Noise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN2qocqYHJA) by The Neighbourhood.

 

Changkyun does have some common sense, that’s why he doesn’t need anyone to tell him how he’s on the wrong page and shouldn’t indulge more in these feelings.

But he seriously can’t help it.

Neither can he help his heart doing somersaults in his chest whenever Hyunwoo wraps a protective arm around him and invades his personal space.

He’s just treating him like an older brother would, Changkyun keeps helplessly repeating in his head. Hyunwoo doesn’t, and will never see him in that way. It would almost be like committing incest with the way Hyunwoo treats both him and Jooheon like a father would with his children.

They play with him, call him “dad” jokingly and snuggle with him. Hyunwoo even carries them back home whenever they sleep in the van after a long day of hard work, so really, Changkyun shouldn’t have the permission to feel this way towards him.

He can’t even recall when it all started to change and his platonic feelings started to morph, but the realization has come to him in bits and pieces, starting when his blood ran icy cold in his veins after Hyunwoo playfully kissed his forehead then both his cheeks, missing his lips by a hair’s breadth. Changkyun had succeeded in concealing his panicked mode when his insides had wars raging within.

From that time, Changkyun became hyperaware of every gesture Hyunwoo makes.

Hyunwoo smiles at him and Changkyun warns himself from staring too much, Hyunwoo talks to him and Changkyun relaxes at the soothing tone in his voice, Hyunwoo touches him and Changkyun’s heart stutters.

It’s in all of this that he came to his conclusion, and Changkyun doesn’t know what to do with it or how to handle it.

Obviously he does the one thing he does well. He talks to Jooheon.

“Oh god, Changkyunnie, I’m so sorry,” is Jooheon’s response after a good five minutes of complete silence from shock.

Changkyun just smiles sadly as Jooheon lets him in his bed. He wraps Changkyun in his arms and hugs him to his chest.

“I’m not weird, right?” Changkyun whispers, his hands holding Jooheon’s shirt, a way to reassure himself he’s not alone.

“Of course not, attraction is natural, and it’s just so happens that Hyunwoo hyung is the subject in your case.”

Changkyun’s chest deflates in relief, and so do his tears. Jooheon rubs his back soothingly and hugs him tighter. “Kyunnie, please don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be,”

Jooheon holds him until he can cry no more, and Changkyun makes sure to thank him and plant a grateful kiss on his cheek before they go to sleep.

 

〜

 

Changkyun gets his first taste of heartbreak a month later.

He should’ve seen it coming, with the way Hyunwoo sometimes sneaks at night, or when he hangs back whenever they go out, or just smiles into his palm as he stares at his phone screen.

It was too obvious, and all the members had immediately made the connection, so none of them reacted strongly when Hyunwoo broke the news.

Changkyun had held himself together in the bubble of denial, but it soon burst on him, puncturing his heart with a shard. He refused to believe what Hyunwoo had been explicitly conveying for weeks, turning a blind eye to Jooheon’s constant warnings.

Only, there was no way of stopping it. And when it hit, it hit pretty hard, the blow crippling, twisting his insides brutally.

Being the social butterfly he is, Changkyun knows the girl. She’s a backup dancer in their company, and from the few times they talked, she had made a great impression on him with her kind words and extremely likable attitude. She’s a very lovely woman, and in an alternative world he would probably date her. An alternative world, that is.

He can only remember the part he congratulated a smiling Hyunwoo stiffly, the shard making good work of digging deeper into his flesh because in an alternative world, Hyunwoo is his, and that beautiful smile is for him.

Though that’s just not the case, and his brain better stop supplying him with such cruel hopes. During their early days, he had jokingly made a statement about how fragile he can be, so his members better handle with care. Now cracks fill him whole like prominent veins and he’s about close to unwinding into bits and pieces.

Jooheon keeps him company that night, filling his mind with funny tales from his childhood, discussing with him what kind of concept he would like them to have for a comeback, anything to push away the heartache and bring something less painful in its stead.

Changkyun truly appreciates him and his efforts. He doesn’t deserve such a beautiful person in his life, but even with the determination to move on and get his shit together, he begs Jooheon to give him a moment, just a moment for his stupid feelings to catch a break before things start rolling again and they start moving forward.

Jooheon does just that. He wipes the tears for him and replaces them with gentle words and soothing kisses.

 

 〜

 

She’s very understanding and doesn’t reproach Hyunwoo for his extremely busy schedules. They can go on days, sometimes weeks without talking, and whenever they meet it’s as if they’ve been together the whole time.

In their lazy days where they’re off the hook and they have sufficient time to rest their bones and recharge before their merciless schedules hit again, she sometimes hangs around the dorm, picks fights with Kihyun and Minhyuk, snuggles with a sleepy Hyungwon, compliments Hoseok’s beautiful features and pokes Jooheon’s dimples. She’s growing on them, and it doesn’t take long before she gets to fill the big sister spot they all lack in their lives, since she’s two years Hyunwoo’s senior.

Changkyun has only grown to like her more. He has also grown to hate himself more, his self deprecation an unwelcome weight, an inconvenience.

He can tell Hyunwoo is comfortable around her, goofy smile and all. He can tell Hyunwoo is happy _with_ her, and that’s what should matter, not his one sided unrequited bullshit that only brings him down and poor Jooheon with him.

And so he tries to move on, ignoring the heart eyes, the touching, the whispered words and mutual pining.

It’s a torture, but he’ll live. At least he feels like living until Hyunwoo cages him in his arms, ruffles his hair and asks him about his day. His next thoughts correlate with jumping off a cliff or overdosing or something similar.

Jooheon, the sweet lovely Jooheon, takes him out to their local favorite restaurant whenever he senses Changkyun’s growing discomfort at watching them cuddling and laying down together.

Jooheon smiles at him, holds his hand, treats his wounds tenderly.

On their way back home, Changkyun tugs at Jooheon’s hand in his and guides him to a dark alleyway where potential witnesses are impossible to come by. Jooheon’s eyes are soft, understanding. The lights are bright. His bleached hair shines like a halo around the crown of his head and Changkyun thinks how befitting it is.

He steps forward and buries his face into the crook of Jooheon’s neck, and Jooheon brings his arms up, tentatively touching his back, holding him close.

Changkyun breathes in the familiar comforting smell. “If only it were you.”

He seems to catch his words a second late, because he soon speaks again, “That was so selfish of me, I’m sorry, I-“

Jooheon shushes him and rubs his back soothingly. Changkyun holds on to him.

He hesitantly steps back and looks at Jooheon’s smiling face, his dimples plaits on his cheeks. Changkyun pokes them before his fingers move and he holds Jooheon’s soft cheeks in his hands.

He angles his face and presses a gentle unhurried kiss on Jooheon’s lips. It’s slow and tender, as it usually is, as it will always be, something special to their bond. They’re comfortable enough to not make serious matter out of it.

Jooheon smiles against his mouth.

 

〜

 

Back in their dorm where almost everyone is out, except for Hyungwon snoozing in a corner of the living room, Changkyun and Jooheon retreat to a room and change into comfortable pjs.

After the moving out, they’ve switched roommates, but they still sneak into each other’s beds out of habit. Minhyuk is the only one who keeps complaining, wanting to keep Jooheon all to himself. Chankyun had called him out on his stinginess. Sharing is caring after all.

They turn out the main lights and keep the lamp on, glow soft and not-very blinding.

Changkyun lies down on his stomach, his cheek squished into the pillow. Jooheon sits beside him with a knee propped up as he scrolls through his phone. The light softens his features, Changkyun notes, sharp edges seeming round and pulpy. He brings his hand up and runs it over smooth skin, his fingertips resting above the regular pulse.

Jooheon doesn’t look up from his phone; he simply takes Changkyun’s hand and intertwines their fingers together. Changkyun kisses the back of his hand.

Some time passes, either minutes or hours, Changkyun isn’t sure, but Jooheon is now lying beside him with his eyes trailed on the ceiling. They’re still holding hands. It’s nice.

“Kyunnie, can I tell you something?” Jooheon doesn’t look at him.

Changkyun senses his discomfort. He scoots closer and plays with his hair. “Anything dear heart,”

Jooheon takes some moments to rehearse in his head. He sighs before he finally turns around and looks at Changkyun. His eyes are honest and open, laying forth everything in the folds of his heart. It's not often that Changkyun sees his vulnerable side.

“I think I might be sex repulsed.”

Changkyun sits up, and Jooheon follows suit. It’s not like he’s never thought about it before. Jooheon’s sexual life isn't necessarily eventful, so this revelation doesn’t come as a shock.

But still, Changkyun never thought Jooheon would ever admit it out loud. The whole topic is very personal, bordering on dangerous territories.

Changkyun nods at him reassuringly, prodding him to keep going.

“Just the idea of being with someone in _that_ way makes me so, so…I don’t even know how to put it. It makes me sick and uncomfortable in my skin,” Jooheon shifts a bit. He lets go of Changkyun’s hand and rubs his arm. “Sometimes in fansigns, when I sit besides kihyunnie hyung and he holds a monbebe’s hand, he starts making these circular motions with his thumb. It’s nice and sweet, and I’m sure he means nothing bad with it, I know that, but I just-“  Jooheon pauses again as he runs his fingers through his hair. “That gesture takes me back to undesirable places. My skin starts itching and I just want to claw it off me. I hate it.”

Changkyun listens patiently.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind getting touched. I like it when you touch me kyunnie, it’s very comforting.” He rests against Changkyun’s side and lets him wrap an arm around his shoulders. “It’s just some gestures that are very triggering to me. It physically hurts.”

“What about kissing you? Does it make you feel uncomfortable?”

“No, not at all,” he detaches from Changkyun’s arm and holds his cheeks. Jooheon smiles as he kisses him slowly, softly. He moves back and runs a thumb over his lips.

“It’s not sexually arousing or anything. Your kisses feel like warm hugs in cold winters, but ten times better.”

Changkyun smiles until his cheeks hurt. That’s got to be one of the best compliments he’s ever received. He jumps on Jooheon and they fall back on bed, giggling.

“If there’s anything that makes you just the slightest bit uncomfortable, then _please_ tell me.”

“Will do.”

They remain in silence for a while. Jooheon’s breathing is regular as Changkyun’s head moves along the rise and fall of his chest.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be physically intimate with someone,” he says as he rolls Changkyun’s locks between the pads of his fingers. “But I do wonder if that’s because I’m born like this or if it’s something that goes all the way back to my childhood.”

“Don’t stress it Joohoney. Sex is overrated anyway. I may have had only two partners so far in life, but you can still trust me on this.”

“It’s not just sex though, it’s the whole concept of relationships and marriage and families and whatnot. Just imagining myself waking up to someone lying beside me, all smiles and morning kisses and _ugh_ ,” he makes a noise at the back of his throat. “I can’t. I really can’t. Heaven, what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing,” Changkyun says firmly. He holds Jooheon’s shirt in his fist. “Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with being a virgin and staying a virgin. Fuck whoever thinks otherwise.”

“Well, technically I’m no longer a virgin.”

“Yes, you are. Sexual intercourse is about consent. You were a child, and a child cannot consent. Don’t argue with me on this.”

Jooheon falls silent. Changkyun moves his head up in his direction. His heart aches in his chest when he notices the silent tears pooling from Jooheon’s eyes.

“Baby no, don’t cry,” Changkyun lies on top of him, hugs him, rubs his belly, pokes his dimples until Jooheon chokes out a chuckle, so now he’s both laughing and crying and Changkyun is tearing up too.

“Can’t I just be normal? Is that really hard to accomplish?” he says between sobs and sniffles as he rubs his eyes.

“Who the fuck decides what’s normal anyway. Kihyun, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo, they all happen to like girls, I happen to like guys, Hoseok and Hyungwon happen to like both. You happen to like none of them and that’s fine. There’s no such thing as normal, who fed you such crap?”

“I did.”

“Well I’m sorry to say this, but you’re full of shit Lee Jooheon.”

Jooheon actually laughs and Changkyun feels infinitely better.

“Yes, we all belong to the human race and we do share similar traits, but we’re also different in more ways than one. We all have our own set of colors, and that’s what makes the world beautiful, don’t you think?”

Jooheon’s smile is light and airy, with tear stained cheeks and softened features. He looks beautiful, Changkyun thinks. He kisses him.

“You must be then the color of oceans and bright skies,” Jooheon says against his lips. “It’s my favorite color. You’re my favorite person.”

“You must be the color of rainbows. They’re the best thing the world has offered so far. You’re the best thing that happened to my life.”

They laugh. “We’re so cheesy.”

“I know, but you love it.”

“True.”

 

 〜

 

It doesn’t last.

She slips from their lives the same way she came in. Suddenly and unexpectedly,

Hoseok asks, Minhyuk asks, Kihyun asks, they all ask. They get nothing in response. So they drop it altogether and start moving along, and soon they’re seven again.

Changkyun can’t drop it. He’s confused because, _what in the actual fuck happened?_ Who gets out when they already barged in and stepped foot through the entrance? Certainly not him, and most _definitely_ not her.

He loves Hyunwoo with all his being. He can’t have him the way he wants, and that’s unfortunate, and the work of nature is cruel, but he can still see him happy with someone else, and that’s what matters to him. Hyunwoo was happy with her, or at least that’s what seemed to be.

So he asks her instead, but he doesn’t get the answer he seeks. He gets something else.

She’s gorgeous in her red pencil skirt that compliments her curves and brings out her complexion. Her face, round and small, holds a lovely smile, one directed at him. Changkyun opens his arms when she steps forward to hug him. She’s petite and she fits perfectly.

“Oh Changkyunnie, I missed your cute face.”

“What happened?”

She doesn’t answer instantly. She takes her time, stepping back and looking at Changkyun’s eyes. Changkyun sees unshed tears.

“He doesn’t love me. Never did, never will, at least not in that way.”

Changkyun doesn’t know what to say, so he keeps his mouth shut and lets his action speak for him. He hugs her again and pats her hair.

“Someone else has him, and he’s stupid enough not to admit it. I want you to know I don’t hold any grudges whatsoever. He’s still an extremely kind person and I’m really glad I met you all. I’m just not the one for him.”

She looks at him then with such sympathetic eyes and Changkyun feels bare and exposed. The words falter in his head.

“You’re young and sweet Changkyunnie. I hope the universe won’t be too harsh on you.”

He feels like crying.

 

 〜

 

The days pass and the seasons change and they fall back into their extreme schedules and comeback preparations and everything that feel like such a pain.

When it comes to work, Changkyun forgets all about his sensitivity to what’s around him as he pushes his feelings to the back and puts them on hold. Like a switch, on and off.

Sometimes a glitch occurs, and his heart reacts at the gentle touches and the accidental bumps and the not-so accidental holding of his shoulders or arms. They’re all touchy feely with each other, so he’s fine indulging a bit in the acts, but of course that will never be enough. He feels heartsick and he doesn’t have the cure, so he suffers through it.  

Whenever he lets his guard down and his eyes start saying too much, Jooheon moves to his side and saves him, bringing up something fun, silly, smiling at him, nudging him. But that’s completely fine because they’re Changkyun and Jooheon, the rappers who spit fire and seem like they could be dating each other, according to the rest of the members that is.

Before, Changkyun would be fine dozing off in the van because Hyunwoo is always there to carry him back home. Now, he’s been trying to keep his eyes open, shake his head and the sleep off him.

He can only do so much against sore muscles and tired bones and three hours of sleep. He doesn’t even notice when his consciousness slips and the world turns dark.

He comes to it when hands hold him gently, afraid to wake him up.

He keeps his eyes closed and lets Hyunwoo get him out of the van, an arm sneaking under his knees, his other arm holding Changkyun close to his chest.

Changkyun’s head rolls to the side, and his face ends up pressed against the skin of Hyunwoo’s neck. Such comforting smell his tears nearly spill. Changkyun wants to breathe him in until his last days on earth. Is that selfish of him? Probably, he isn’t too sure.

Suddenly, there’s a pressure on his muscles, and it takes him a while to realize Hyunwoo is holding him too tight, pressing him to his chest a bit too much. His hands feel heavier on Changkyun’s body. It feels different from all those other times.

Changkyun doesn’t understand. His sleep deprived mind doesn’t understand. He almost dares to hope, _almost_.

 

〜

 

But hope is dangerous, and that’s something Changkyun keeps learning the hard way, his stupid ass not quite getting the lesson yet.

And damn it, can’t Hyunwoo stop pointing out pretty girls whenever he sees one. Not that he disagrees. Girls are gorgeous beings and Changkyun finds them such aesthetically pleasing creatures, bringing joy and kindness to this godforsaken earth, but he’s just-

He’s gay and he’s tired. He needs a break.

That’s why he doesn’t hesitate to jump in when Minhyuk suggests they get some booze and get wasted for a change. Unsurprisingly, everyone joins in as well, and Minhyuk calls it ‘ _Time for some fun adulting’_ as he sneaks in alcohol and gets the first shot.

Changkyun doesn’t hold his liquor well, that’s why he chugs two whole bottles, because, you know, there’s nothing wrong with being adventurous once in a while. Except alcohol poisoning, that part is definitely not fun.

Soon he’s drunk out of his wits, and his head is fully resting on their low table as he can no longer support the weight on his shoulders. His eyes are closed too because the light is too damn bright it hurts his brain cells.

He can vaguely hear Minhyuk’s continuous blabbering about stupid shit and Kihyun nagging about said stupid shit, and is that someone crying? He can’t open his eyes, they’re glued shut.

Someone, something slaps his back and he jolts before his head hits the table again. It hurts.

Suddenly everything stills. That, or he’s losing his hearing, but the former is more plausible, or is it the latter? He’s. Got. No. Idea.

Ah damn it, he _really_ shouldn’t have taken in the whole bottles. 

He feels his body being laid down on something soft and familiar, his bed, his pillow. He missed them; they’ve been through a lot together. Good times.

He feels hands move to unbutton his jeans and gently peel them off his legs, and _whoa he feels so much better,_ and now he’s in boxers and a light tee and it feels like the rain just quenched the drought in his soul.

He must’ve been born with the starts because when he finally manages to open his eyes, he sees the angel himself staring at him, touching his flushed cheeks, smiling, validating his existence. Something doesn’t click though because the beautiful angel resembles Hyunwoo in such an uncanny way and he’s got no idea if that’s a good or a bad thing

But the angel, Hyunwoo, is also staring at him with such an intensity it makes his skin buzz.

He closes his eyes.

He transcends into a state of heightened sensitivity as he swims in euphoria and his soul is barely hanging on, but he feels so good, he feels so fucking good as hands traverse every inch of his skin, his calves, his thighs, his hips, his chest, his mouth-

It’s the best part, he wants to feel more of the tongue sweeping over his lips and invading his mouth, biting, claiming. He pushes out a moan, and suddenly the kiss is growing more heated and his brain is a mushy useless thing.

The bed dips with an additional weight as he feels someone lying on top of him, and that does nothing to clear his foggy brain. He feels fingers hold his chin to get his face in a better angle before his lips are ravaged again and he’s melting and melting and melting…

No, he doesn’t, he can’t,

This isn’t Hyunwoo, it’s not right, he wants Hyunwoo.

Something wet leaks from his eyes, constant, a flow. His heart hurts.

His lips are free, and they feel swollen and abused. A sob tears through his chest, and then another, and he realizes he’s crying, but he doesn’t stop, can’t stop.

He hears a soothing familiar voice shushing him; he feels gentle hands chasing away the tears.

It’s Hyunwoo, he’s here.

But he’s apologizing; successive sorrys leave his mouth,

_why?_

“Hyung, I’m-I’m scared, I’m scared,” a sob.

_of what?_

_what terrifies him?_

spiders, ghosts, needles,

living, dying,

_hyunwoo,_

 

_〜_

 

Changkyun gets bedridden for three whole days, his upset stomach constantly lurching, the fever cracking his skull and spinning his head. He’s such a moron; he shouldn’t have injected himself with so much alcohol in one go. He can’t even remember what happened that night, what chaos they caused, what fresh hell they brought in.

Thankfully, their promotions are already over and now they get a whole free week for themselves, but it sucks that he’ll spend it recovering from something that’s easily avoidable.

Hoseok keeps babying him, Kihyun cooks for him, Minhyuk and Hyungwon cuddle with him and Jooheon checks on him every two hours, so his situation isn’t that bad after all.

But Hyunwoo is…kind of absent. He’s only checked on him twice, and he wasn’t even looking at him properly. Like yes, Changkyun knows he looks like shit so it’s understandable, but still-

Something is missing and he hates being clueless.

He racks his brain for anything that might have occurred while drunk beyond reason. He comes with nothing. He even asks Jooheon, but Jooheon only tells him that he spent the better part of the night crying his eyes out with Hyungwon while reminiscing about the puppy he’s lost at fifteen. Changkyun nods in understanding.

It keeps going like this with Hyunwoo checking on him only out of obligation and nothing more. And it hurts; he doesn’t even know what mistake he’s made or how to ask for forgiveness.

Soon he’s back on his feet again. He no longer feels like heaving every two seconds and that’s good. He’s getting better.

The first thing he does is to ask Hyungwon and Jooheon to leave their room for an hour, just an hour because of an urgent issue. They’re skeptical, but they don’t refuse.

Changkyun gets the room keys and traps Hyunwoo inside as he locks the door.

He’s startled as he sits up with a deep frown, his phone discarded to the side.

Changkyun cuts straight to the deal. “Why are you avoiding me?”

Hyunwoo lies back on his bed and retrieves his phone. He doesn’t spare Changkyun another glance. “What are you talking about? I’m not avoiding you.”

Okay, so maybe he can’t do it after all.

He tries again.

This time, Changkyun travels the short distance between Hyunwoo’s bed and the door and he has to physically get his attention by wrenching the phone from his hand. Surprisingly, Hyunwoo doesn’t react. His eyes are down. His features are relaxed.

Changkyun touches hesitantly his palm. He gets encouraged at the lack of reaction. He holds his hand.

“Please hyung, tell me what I did wrong,” he says in a low voice. His insides are burning. “I hate it when you’re mad at me.”

Hyunwoo still doesn’t look at him and the fire is threatening to spill from his mouth. He must have fucked up real bad. “Fine, I’ll just leave then. I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t even move one inch before he’s dragged down on bed and Hyunwoo is grasping his nape. The look on his eyes, Changkyun has never seen it before. It’s strange. It doesn’t belong there. It ignites his guilt even more.

“I’m not mad at you,” he says. “I’m mad at myself.”

Changkyun is confused to say the least. He remains quite.

“I’ve done something I shouldn’t have, to you.”

Changkyun tilts his head a bit, his brows meeting in the middle of his face. He’s still quite, but now his heart is racing the wind.

Hyunwoo looks down, he looks up, he sighs. His hands are still on Changkyun’s skin.

“Do you remember what happened? That night Minhyuk brought in alcohol?”

His mind is working in overdrive, but all the folders are empty so he shakes his head.

Something shifts in the air and shivers ripple through Changkyun’s spine. He doesn’t like this. The hold Hyunwoo has around him tightens.

“Minhyuk gave you too much to drink. I was just tipsy but you were very much drunk. I helped carry you to your bed.” A pause. “It doesn’t stop here.”

He’s shaking now and he’s probably on the verge of hyperventilation, but he wants to know. He needs to know. 

Hyunwoo holds his eyes in the warmth of his brown orbs. “I forced myself on you. You were drunk and I touched you and kissed you when you were barely conscious. I’m so, so sorry, I don’t know what the _fuck_ I was thinking.”

He’s pretty much crying at this point. He flinches when Hyunwoo tries to catch a tear. He moves back.

For the longest time, he’s been craving for him, for his touches, for his hands on his body.

But not in this way. Jesus Christ, Marie, _not in this way_.

The vision is too clear, and it’s not very pretty. His stomach churns.

“Please give me some time. I need-I need to think this through.”

He runs to the bathroom.

 

〜

 

Funny how just moments ago he knew jack shit about anything, and now it’s all he sees, it’s all he feels, it’s all his brain feeds him and he half contemplates falling on his head to get a concussion.

Hyunwoo doesn’t try to sugarcoat the truth, doesn’t try to make excuses for himself. He made a serious mistake and he’s owning up to it.

He apologizes an infinite amount of times. He gives Changkyun space.

Changkyun appreciates it.

It’s noon, and the house is empty, and he’s hugging his bed.

If the members noticed anything, they don’t speak a word of it. Changkyun isn’t sure if he should be relieved or not.

As he keeps spending an unhealthy amount of time in his head, Changkyun finally comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t hate Hyunwoo. He never did really. He never will.

But what he does hate is the fact Hyunwoo failed to protect him while he was very vulnerable, in a place of weakness. That part truly unnerves him.

Hyunwoo is supposed to keep them together and lift them up and _protect_ them. What he did was detrimental to the way Changkyun perceives him. And Changkyun hates it _very very much_.

But Hyunwoo is still Hyunwoo. He’s still the same kind hearted individual he fell for, always giving, rarely receiving, big hands and broad shoulders and a unique gem in the sea of pearls.

Hyunwoo is human too, and humans make mistakes. Small or big, they’re still mistakes, and they can be forgiven.

The other conclusion he comes up with is that he can still love Hyunwoo very much, but hate some of his actions.

That’s why he finds himself on Hyunwoo’s bed, legs folded, and arms holding a pillow for dear life.

He’s nervous, as in –eyes shaking, heart palpitating, sweat dripping, unconsciousness lurking, _and fuck he feels like dying_ – kind of nervous.

That’s fine because Hyunwoo seems to be too.

Hyunwoo keeps his distance, so he’s at one end of the bed and Changkyun juxtaposes him on the other end.

The house is, yet again, empty, except for the two of them. Changkyun always finds it peculiar how it’s the same thing every time he’s in to get some of his problems solved, but he’s not about to jinx the work of the gods. Or the devil. He’s not judging.

Hyunwoo looks anywhere but at him. His leg is bouncing from having his nerves snapping one by one.

Changkyun opens his mouth. “Why?” It comes out more like a puff of breath. He clears his throat. “Hyung, why did you do it? Why would you touch me like that?”

The room is quiet except for the outside blaring of the traffic jam and the clock ticking,

_tik tok tik tok tik..._

Changkyun involuntary shivers when Hyunwoo finally looks up, and he really wants to kiss the frown from his face and to will it away. He misses Hyunwoo’s smiles.

“Do you know why I broke up with her?” Hyunwoo asks instead. Natural highlight reflects off his tan skin. Changkyun was always in love with that detail.

He nods. “She told me you liked someone else, that you never truly liked her in that way.”

“Correct. Do you know who that other person is?”

Changkyun shakes his head. He stopped hoping ages ago.

Hyunwoo seems like he doesn’t believe him. “Take a wild guess.”

Changkyun acts like he’s thinking about it. He finally gets an answer. “Manager Hongsik.”

He has to bite his tongue to keep the rude laugh from breaching past his lips, but Hyunwoo looks like he’s reevaluating his whole life with a horror stricken face and it’s so hard to keep it in.

“Ah right, my dear Hongsik, my beloved, I can’t go on a day without him by my side or else I feel like my limbs are falling apart, literally,” he smiles.

Hyunwoo smiles. He smiles at him for the first time in a freaking lifetime, and god what a starved boy he’s been.

Changkyun moves a bit, scoots closer. Hyunwoo would’ve moved back if there was any space left.

The air shifts again. Hyunwoo’s eyes are serious as he captivates him in.

_tik tok tik tok..._

“It’s you Changkyun. It has always been you. Of course that does not excuse my disgusting behavior, nothing will excuse it.” Frustration is very clear on Hyunwoo’s face. He curses under his breath.

But wait, did he hear that right? Why does it feel like a whirlwind just brutally whooped him in the face?

Changkyun’s voice is shaking. “All this time. Did you not want to be with me? Am I really that bad of a person? Was my presence so much of a nuisance you had to get yourself a girlfriend?”

“No!” he refutes as his body jerks forward. His hand almost touches Changkyun’s shoulder, but he lets it fall to the bed instead. “No, that’s not it. I swear Changkyunnie, that’s not it. I’m an idiot, and I needed some time to get over my stubbornness and accept the kind of feelings I had for you. It was just…weird, the change. One moment you’re like a younger brother to me, and the next I’m noticing things in a completely different way. I didn’t know how to feel about that.”

Changkyun understands, but it still hurts damn it. It hurts thinking about the hell he’s walked through in heart sickening anguish when he could’ve been spared the pain and the emotional strain.

But god, he’s been longing for so long, he’s been starving for so long.

He discards the poor wrinkled pillow and crawls on all four until he comes face to face with Hyunwoo and makes use of his lap.

Hyunwoo is about to protest. He can’t even bring his hands up to get Changkyun off him, too scared to commit the same mistake, too terrified to hurt the same person.

But Changkyun doesn’t let him get a single word out, because he whispers a small _‘It’s okay, I’m not mad anymore,’_ before he kisses him.

Hyunwoo is so shocked he stays still. He inhales sharply. He really wants to kiss him back, to touch him, but he just _can’t_.

“Hyung,” Changkyun whines, begs. “Please.” He can feel tears prickling his eyes; he can feel desperation rising from deep within him. He can see the finish line, and he’s so so close-

But Hyunwoo is unmoving. He’s struck to his place, his hands shackled to his side. Changkyun feels like crying, and so he cries as he buries his face in Hyunwoo’s shoulder and begs again.

“I’m sober and conscious.”

Nothing, no response,

“I’m consenting too.”

Still nothing,

_"Hyunwoo please,”_

Finally, the ice cracks and melts, the earth completes its rotation around itself, and Hyunwoo moves his hands up the arch of Changkyun’s back and hugs him so close, so tight, and Changkyun nearly chokes on his tears because he just now realizes how much he truly misses this man. He lets the wave of relief carry him to the depth and drown him.

He feels himself falling down on bed, he feels Hyunwoo’s arms caging him in his embrace, and his heart is so pleased, so full, he would gladly welcome death if it’s already his turn to go.

Hyunwoo shifts around him so he’s now hovering over him.

Changkyun can see the hesitation in his eyes, can sense his reluctance. He makes the first move and holds Hyunwoo’s nape to bring him down and kiss him.

Hyunwoo kisses back hesitantly, and then he gets bolder and deepens the kiss, wrenching a deep moan from Changkyun at the sudden change.

This is unlike anything he’s ever fantasized about, or prayed for. Of course reality exceeding whatever wild things was conjured by his brain.

In the heat of the moment, Changkyun discovers he likes to be manhandled, roughly mind you, so when Hyunwoo tugs sharply his hair, bites his lips, and clenches a fist around his bound wrists, new waves of pleasure wreck him in overwhelming intensity he almost blacks out and _fuuuuck is he having a seizure? He can’t tell,_

But it’s still not enough, he still doesn’t feel satiated yet, and his heart might be greedy but he’s been wishing for this for _months_.

So he begs, and begs-

And Hyunwoo listens.

 

 〜

 

Some few hours later, Jooheon has tears in his eyes as he stands by the slightly opened door, watching over their sleeping huddled up frames. They look so peaceful, so comfortable he feels like he’s offending mother nature by just standing here.

He hears shuffling and squeaking, and the devil is standing by his side with a phone in hand.

Jooheon glares. He whispers, _‘out.’_

Minhyuk’s eyes are shining, snapping pictures. This is his new found treasure, or new source of blackmail. He’ll decide later. Now he’s busy containing his evil smile.

 _‘I said out,’_ Jooheon whispers more harshly.

Minhyuk pretends he can’t hear.

Jooheon loops an arm around his throat, choking him and dragging him outside the room.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a soft spot for showkyun and jookyun.  
> I appreciate you being here and taking the time to read this story.  
> Thank you, and please take care.


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